Andrew J. Hewitt, PMHNP-BC — Caliper Wellness (Pasco County, FL)
Author note. Caliper Wellness provides telehealth mental-health care in Pasco County, Florida, integrating talk therapy, medication management, and whole-person strategies. This article is informational and not a substitute for individualized care.
Abstract
Being the friend everyone turns to can feel meaningful and exhausting at the same time. In mental-health language, this role often blends social support, emotional labor, and—when exposure to others’ pain becomes chronic—elements of compassion fatigue or secondary stress. Left unbalanced, these pressures raise risk for burnout, anxiety, sleep disruption, and resentment; when met with good boundaries and reciprocity, they can be profoundly protective and life-giving. Drawing on research and reporting from the past two years (2024–2025), this blog outlines the benefits and costs of being the “go-to,” clarifies common traps (like people-pleasing and one-sided friendships), and offers practical, evidence-informed steps to keep your care sustainable—so you can show up for others without disappearing yourself. Frontiers+3BioMed Central+3OUP Academic+3
Introduction: When caring is your “brand”
If you’re the person who remembers everyone’s birthdays, answers late-night crisis texts, mediates conflicts, and somehow organizes the group chat and the meal train, your identity is braided together with being dependable. Friends likely say, “I don’t know what I’d do without you.” That feels wonderful—until it doesn’t. The same traits that make you reliable (empathy, conscientiousness, responsiveness) can morph into overextension, blurred boundaries, and a creeping sense that your own needs keep getting rain-checked.
Clinically, I see this pattern across ages—students, new parents, caregivers, managers—especially as overall mental-health needs rise in our communities. Recent U.S. surveillance shows high and persistent demand for treatment and support, which means informal helpers (i.e., you) are carrying more of the load. CDC+1
This piece aims to validate the value of what you do, while giving you language and tools to keep it humane—for you and for the friendships you love.
The upside: Why being the go-to can be good for you, too
Humans are wired for connection; decades of data link supportive relationships to better mental-health outcomes. Newer work continues to show that social support correlates with lower burnout (partly via resilience), and that high-quality friendships—marked by trust, closeness, and mutual aid—track with better well-being across development. Frontiers+1
Support isn’t just “nice”—it’s active buffering. A 2024 analysis in Frontiers in Psychology found that perceived support from close others reduces stress, which in turn links to better mood and less anxiety (with some nuance around which sources of support matter most in different seasons of life). Frontiers
Bottom line: Showing up for friends can protect everyone’s mental health. The key word is mutual. Without reciprocity, even the noblest support starts to corrode. journals.sagepub.com
The shadow side: When helping hurts
1) One-sided friendships and people-pleasing
If you’re always the listener but rarely listened to, you may be in a one-sided friendship. Consumer health writers have summarized the red flags—only you initiate, they “vent-and-vanish,” plans always fit their schedule—which map closely to what I hear in session: exhaustion, self-doubt, and a shrinking social circle because all your energy funnels to one person. The recommendation is consistent: name the imbalance, ask for specific reciprocity, and—if nothing changes—reset boundaries or exit. Verywell Mind
People-pleasing makes this harder. Recent academic and industry pieces argue that chronic “yes” erodes authenticity and increases burnout risk; training in assertiveness and boundary skills is a targeted antidote. MDPI+1
2) Emotional labor and compassion fatigue (yes, friends feel it, too)
We often reserve “compassion fatigue” for clinicians, but the mechanism—prolonged exposure to others’ suffering producing emotional depletion—can surface in personal roles as well (think: the friend who perpetually manages crises). Fresh syntheses in 2024–2025 reaffirm compassion fatigue as a real “cost of caring,” and meta-analytic work suggests psychological interventions (e.g., psychoeducation, skills practice) help. BioMed Central+1
Importantly, professional groups warn us not to confuse compassion fatigue with systemic burnout; both matter. In friendships, “systemic” might look like being the de facto crisis line for an entire group with no shared plan. The takeaway from the professional literature still applies at home: compassion is not the problem—unbounded compassion is. The Guardian+1
3) The context: rising distress means rising asks
As more people report crises and seek help, “strong friends” are naturally tapped more often. 2024–2025 data highlight substantial mental-health burden in the U.S. adult population, including nearly 1 in 10 reporting a recent mental-health crisis in a national survey—amplifying pressure on natural supports like family and friends. OUP Academic+1
What healthy support actually looks like
Reciprocity beats martyrdom
Relational science keeps returning to reciprocity: when help generally flows both ways (not necessarily simultaneously), friendships stay robust; when help becomes expected from one person, quality drops. Ask yourself: Do I have space to bring my own struggles to this friend—and do they respond? If not, you’re not in a support relationship; you’re in a support role. journals.sagepub.com+1
Boundaries are care, not cruelty
The American Psychological Association underscores that healthy boundaries are a form of self-care that prevent burnout and even model healthier relating for others. In practical terms, boundaries clarify your capacity (“I’m free to talk after 6 pm”), your limits (“I can’t be on call tonight”), and your scope (“I’m a friend, not a therapist”). American Psychological Association
Compassion satisfaction is real
Support doesn’t only drain; it can fill. Humanitarian and helping-profession research reminds us of “compassion satisfaction”—the meaning, purpose, and fulfillment that arise from effective helping. Friends can cultivate this by noticing what works (e.g., a check-in that led to care, a boundary that protected your energy) and by distributing the work across a group. Frontiers
A step-by-step plan to stay generous and well
Below is a concrete, repeatable approach I use with clients who are the default helper in their circles.
Step 1 — Take an honest inventory (15 minutes)
- Map your asks. Over the last month, how many support requests did you field? From whom? What type (crisis, career, childcare, rides, venting)?
- Notice your signals. Classic early signs that you need stronger boundaries include energy depletion, mental distance, irritability, and dread before texts or calls. American Psychological Association
- Name your capacity. On a 0–10 scale, how much bandwidth do you truly have for others this week? Write down a number before you say “yes” to anything.
Step 2 — Decide your “default policy” for requests
Think of boundaries like “clinic hours.” Choose one for each category for the next 30 days:
- Time: “I return non-urgent messages after work,” or “No heavy topics after 9 pm.”
- Modality: “If it’s complicated, let’s schedule a call; voice notes are fine, but I can’t text-therapize for an hour.”
- Escalation: “If it’s a crisis, here’s 988 or your local line; I’ll check in after you connect with them.” (This is protective for both of you when risk is high.)
- Scope: “I’ll listen and help brainstorm one next step; I won’t make decisions for you.”
This isn’t cold; it’s compassionate clarity.
Step 3 — Script your boundaries (so you can use them under stress)
Borrow from clinicians: brief, kind, firm.
- The soft no: “I care about you, and I’m at capacity tonight. Let’s find time tomorrow.”
- The redirect: “This is bigger than a friend chat. I want you to have real support—can we look at counseling options together?”
- The exit (for repetitive venting): “I’m not the right person for this kind of conversation anymore. I’m rooting for you, and I need to step back from this role.”
The APA’s boundary guidance is unambiguous: set them early, revisit often, and treat guilt as a signal that you’re practicing a new skill—not evidence you’re wrong. American Psychological Association
Step 4 — Share the load with the whole friendship system
Many “go-to” friends become bottlenecks. Co-create a culture of mutual aid: rotate check-ins, name “office hours,” and keep a shared list of resources (hotlines, local clinics, sliding-scale therapists, community groups). Group norms prevent one person from becoming the permanent sponge. This mirrors the professional lesson that systems (not just individual effort) prevent burnout. The Guardian
Step 5 — Build your own support and recovery
Your care budget needs deposits: sleep, movement, nutrition, joy practices, and your own people. A 2024–2025 body of work suggests that small, consistent “micro-acts” (gratitude, awe, brief kindness) can restore mood and perceived control—quick tools when your day is full of heavy conversations. Schedule them like you schedule everyone else’s needs. San Francisco Chronicle
Step 6 — Watch for red flags that mean “pull back now”
- You feel chronic dread when a certain name pops up.
- You change plans repeatedly to manage someone else’s ongoing crises.
- Your sleep, work, or health is slipping.
- The person resists any attempt at reciprocity or professional help.
- You’re keeping secrets that violate your values or safety.
These are clinical-grade indicators. If you notice them, reduce exposure and involve other supports.
When your friend is in acute distress: What to do (and not do)
Because many readers are the first call during a crisis, quick guidance helps:
- Do validate: “You’re not alone; I’m glad you told me.”
- Do anchor basics: food, fluids, sleep, movement.
- Do move from venting to a single next step: call, appointment, safety plan.
- Don’t take on therapist or crisis-counselor duties; connect to professional resources. National data show more people report crises; your job is bridge, not facility. OUP Academic+1
If you live in the U.S., the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline is 24/7. If someone is in immediate danger, call 911 (or your local emergency number).
Special cases: Caregivers, student leaders, and community organizers
Some roles structurally make you the go-to. That elevates risk for compassion fatigue and burnout—yet interventions help. A 2024 meta-analysis found psychological strategies can reduce compassion fatigue in helpers; other 2024–2025 syntheses emphasize normalizing support, clarifying roles, and building team-level practices that distribute emotional labor. You can import those strategies into your friend networks. OUP Academic+1
If you’re on a campus or lead a club/mutual-aid group, note that today’s students are reporting substantial mental-health needs; create clear “care pathways” (what peers do, when to escalate, who takes the next shift). This prevents the same three “kindest people” from burning out. UCLA Center for Health Policy Research
The ethics of being everyone’s helper: Three principles
- Reciprocity is respect. Your needs matter; healthy friendships make room for them. (If not, it’s a mismatch, not a moral failure.) journals.sagepub.com
- Boundaries teach. You model to others that saying no is a normal part of sustainable care. American Psychological Association
- Systems prevent burnout. Move from “heroics” to coordination—share the work, name limits, and celebrate small wins. The Guardian
A gentle word to the unstoppable helpers
You didn’t become the go-to by accident. Somewhere along the way, you learned that steadiness + kindness can change a room. Keep that. Just remember: you are not the emergency exit to everyone’s problems. You’re a person—worthy of the same care you give so freely.
At Caliper Wellness, we help clients turn caring from a compulsion into a choice—one supported by skills, boundaries, and community. If you’re noticing depletion, we can help you recalibrate without losing your heart.
References (APA 7th ed.)
American Psychological Association. (2025). The benefits of better boundaries in clinical practice. https://www.apa.org/topics/psychotherapy/better-boundaries-clinical-practice American Psychological Association
American Psychological Association. (2025). Addressing compassion fatigue. https://www.apa.org/topics/psychotherapy/compassion-fatigue American Psychological Association
BMC Psychology. (2024). Compassion fatigue in helping professions: A scoping review. https://bmcpsychology.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s40359-024-01869-5 BioMed Central
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2024). QuickStats: Mental health treatment trends among adults aged ≥18 years, United States, 2019–2023. MMWR, 73(50), 1150. https://www.cdc.gov/mmwr/volumes/73/wr/mm7350a5.htm CDC
Frontiers in Psychology. (2024). Social support and mental health: The mediating role of perceived stress. https://www.frontiersin.org/journals/psychology/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2024.1330720/full Frontiers
Frontiers in Psychology. (2025). Compassion satisfaction and compassion fatigue in humanitarian aid workers: A ProQOL study. https://www.frontiersin.org/journals/psychology/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2025.1522092/full Frontiers
Frontiers in Public Health. (2024). The protective role of resilience and social support against burnout. https://www.frontiersin.org/journals/public-health/articles/10.3389/fpubh.2024.1374484/full Frontiers
Health Affairs Scholar. (2025). Mental health crises and help-seeking among U.S. adults in 2024–2025. https://academic.oup.com/healthaffairsscholar/article/3/9/qxaf166/8236690 OUP Academic
Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health. (2025, August 19). Mental health crisis hits nearly 1 in 10 U.S. adults. https://publichealth.jhu.edu/2025/mental-health-crisis-hits-nearly-1-in-10-us-adults Bloomberg School of Public Health
Journal of Occupational Health. (2024). Effectiveness of psychological interventions for compassion fatigue: A systematic review and meta-analysis. 66(1), uiae061. https://doi.org/10.1093/joccuh/uiae061 OUP Academic
National Academies of Sciences, Engineering, and Medicine. (2025). Mental and behavioral health disorders are increasing in the U.S.: Effective preventive interventions should be expanded. https://www.nationalacademies.org/en/news/2025/04/mental-and-behavioral-health-disorders-are-increasing-in-u-s-effective-preventive-interventions-should-be-expanded-report-says nationalacademies.org
National Center for Health Statistics. (2024, July 16). Self-reported social and emotional support among U.S. teenagers (NHSR No. 206). https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/nhsr/nhsr206.pdf CDC
Verywell Mind. (2024, July 26). Are you the only one making the effort? It might be a one-sided friendship. https://www.verywellmind.com/one-sided-friendship-8679451 Verywell Mind
The Guardian (Letters). (2025, January 5). Compassion fatigue in the NHS—or burnout? https://www.theguardian.com/society/2025/jan/05/compassion-fatigue-in-the-nhs-or-burnout The Guardian
The Leadership & Happiness Laboratory, Harvard Kennedy School. (2025, February). The friendship recession: The lost art of connecting. https://www.happiness.hks.harvard.edu/february-2025-issue/the-friendship-recession-the-lost-art-of-connecting The Leadership & Happiness Laboratory
UCSF/Big Joy Project coverage. (2025, July). Daily micro-acts and well-being (Journal of Medical Internet Research study summary). San Francisco Chronicle. https://www.sfchronicle.com/health/article/joy-mood-life-health-20372907.php San Francisco Chronicle
About the author
Andrew J. Hewitt, PMHNP-BC is co-founder of Caliper Wellness. He specializes in integrative, empathy-driven mental-health care that combines therapy, medication management, and practical skills for sustainable change.
If you’re carrying everyone’s load and want help re-calibrating—without losing your kindness—we’re here. Caliper Wellness offers telehealth sessions across Pasco County, Florida.